Ayase Leilani's Blog

It’s so unreal, didn’t look out below
Watch the time go right out the window
Trying to hold on, didn’t even know
I wasted it all just to watch you go
I kept everything inside and even though I tried, it all fell apart
What it meant to me will eventually be a memory of a time when
I tried so hard
And got so far
But in the end
It doesn’t even matter

~Linkin Park - In the End

And like that, it was over.  Everything I had worked for.  Everything I had hoped for.  Everything I had dreamed about and everything I had invested my heart, my mind, my soul and all of my being into.  All over.

All fall down.

The aftermath began with reaching out to everyone closest to me (who were available at the time) while I was at the airport:  my mom, my dad, my caretaker and my roommate.  This also included a girl back home in Oahu who was my best friend and one of my biggest supports at the time alongside my caretaker. However, she had met, known and been friends with my ex long before I had even met and gotten into a relationship with my ex and was scared that I’d lose her friendship because of my ex’s dumping me. I recall the conversation with her vividly:

AYA:  “Hello, [Best Friend].”
BF:  “Hey.”
AYA:  “[Ex] dumped me.”
BF:  “… What?”
AYA:  “That’s right. Is this going to affect our friendship?”
BF:  “What? No! Of course it won’t, honey!”
AYA:  “Okay… That’s a remarkable bit of relief right about now.”
BF:  “You just make it home safe.”
AYA:  “I will. I’ll see you soon.”
BF:  “See you soon.”

That was easily the most surprising and calming news I’d heard all day.  And it lasted me until I got on the plane and was seated.  That’s when I broke into sobs as the plane taxied down the runway and took off; I knew then that it was truly all over and that my life was never going to be the same.

I had a great deal of time to think while I was on the flight, which included a connection in another airport and a long layover.  I decided I was going to end my life.  There was a bridge near where I lived that would make the perfect suicide spot.  I began to plan everything in detail, including making things appear as stable as possible to my caretaker and roommate; I planned on how to ditch them, how to get away and when precisely I’d do the deed, down to the day and to the hour.  I’d been suicidal before, but I had never put so much thought into it as I had this time.

Some people may be wondering why I’d react so dramatically to a break-up.  The answer is that I am at the point in my life where I know what I want to do with it (get married and be a housewife) and have been through a number of relationships already that either went nowhere or ended in disaster.  I invested into my ex the same way people invest into a career they want to work in their whole life.  Imagine my ex breaking up with me as bearing the same impact as being sacked from a company you were almost made CEO of.  My aspirations were lost, my dreams shattered and my future completely bleak; many people who end up in these situations feel suicidal and I felt the same, as my situation was also about determining how I’d live for the rest of my life.

When I got home, I had all the intention in the world of putting my plans into action.  And during the first day, I had begun to try and draw that stability baseline that I’d use to fool my caretaker and roommate.  It was going well…

…but I didn’t count on my best friend.

My best friend began to hang out around me all the time, asking quite a few questions about my interactions with my ex.  I honestly had no idea what her intentions were, but her interactions with me greatly helped me feel as if I was cared for and that someone aside from me cared about what had happened to me.

I answered all her questions as best as I could.  She let me out of myself, as scared as I was to tell her anything, given that–as far as I knew–she was still close with my ex and any mutual friends they had together.  I recall constantly having the following back-and-forth with her:

AYA:  "So, I don’t want any of what I say to affect your friendship with [ex].
BF:  “It won’t.”
AYA:  "I also don’t want any of what I say to affect your friendships with mutual friends you have alongside [ex].
BF:  “It won’t.”

Then, one day, after a great many conversations, she came to me and we had a conversation that would change my life forever:

BF:  "So, I decided to fully kick [ex] from my life.“
AYA:  "What?!  Why?  It’s not because of what I’ve been saying, is it?”
BF:  "No, it’s not.  It’s because of my own feelings.“
AYA:  "What happened, exactly?”
BF:  "Well, I just can’t believe she could be such a cruel person. She’s not the girl I thought I knew.“
AYA:  "I see…”
BF:  "And…you’re amazing.  The truth is…  When you and [ex] were together, I always felt like…“

She then showed me this picture before the conversation continued:

The conversation continued:

AYA:  ”…“
BF:  "That’s how I felt…  I always had wanted more with you, but you were with her and I didn’t want to interfere with the life you were building…”

I don’t think I could have been more shocked.  I just got what amounted to a love confession from my best friend.  And I discovered that my best friend had been feeling alone, jealous and unhappy while I was off galavanting with my ex.  As a polyamorous person, it’s not as if I didn’t have my own feelings for my best friend, but my ex was never comfortable with the idea of such a relationship and I never thought for one second that my best friend felt the same way about me as I did about her.

At this point, I made a decision…  I returned the confession, telling her I loved her just as much and would happily become engaged to her instead, given that our feelings for each other were obviously the same.

I have never been more grateful for failed suicide plans than I was in this moment.  Things changed forever.  I was no longer alone.  I no longer had to deal with these feelings on my own…and because of my best-friend-turned-fiancée, I began to piece together why people have been so abusive to me over the years, including–and especially–my ex.  I began to understand why my ex was such a terrible person, which I detailed in my first and second blog posts about the whole mess that was the relationship with her.  And I learned that sometimes, love is so blind that you can’t tell when someone not only is extremely toxic for you, but a total sociopath who cares about nothing but themselves.

And thus, the the thoroughly sordid nightmare was over.

And…  Things aren’t perfect.  Things aren’t even healthy and healed.  And they never will be, because what happened with my ex deeply wounded me.  It wounded me to my very core.  And there was so much abuse and advantage-taking of me over the years that I know I am permanently damaged and scarred from it all.

Remembering all the times you fought with me
I’m surprised it got so far
Things aren’t the way they were before
You wouldn’t even recognize me anymore
Not that you knew me back then
But it all comes back to me in the end

~Linkin Park - In the End

However, I no longer have to endure it alone.  And now I finally have a future.  The future I always dreamed of.  The future I always needed.  A future with somebody who actually cares about me, about who I am and about what I need.

And…in the end, my fiancée, my caretaker and I all ended up in a beautiful and wonderful polyamorous relationship together.  We’re all going to live together forever and I am going to get married to my fiancée.  And I couldn’t be happier.  I know I am extremely lucky for landing on my feet in such an amazing matter…and not one day do I ever take it for granted.  I am truly blessed beyond belief and am eternally grateful for it.  After all…

…I finally have what I need…and that is the most beautiful and amazing thing that could ever happen to me.